The Search for Intelligence on Earth

An excerpt from an extraterrestrial press conference. It explains so much.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Androgynous members of the press, thank you for coming on such short notice. I’ll get started immediately with my statement.

Our latest attempt to contact Earth has once again ended in failure, and frankly, we are at a loss as to the reason. As always, we seek out Earth’s best and brightest, their scientific and political leaders, but we still haven’t been recognized on a world wide scale as we would hope and expect.

To remind you of our methods, which have proven so effective on other planets, I’ll recap our criteria:

  • We look for scientists in their indigenous habitats, long box shaped buildings set on wheels or cinder blocks.
  • We further refine our search by screening for names denoting the highest  intelligence, such as “Junior”, “Bubba”, “Billy Bob”, or “Jimmy Jack”.
  • We have even made efforts to establish communications with their primary organization dedicated to outworld contact, The National Association of Scientists Conducting Alien Research, or NASCAR, but with negative results.

Our conclusion is, unfortunately, that Earth scientists are so far advanced beyond our pitiful level that they are just not interested in contact with us, and any attempts to give them unlimited clean power, abundant food sources, and environmental stability would just be met with laughter and derision.

Thank you for your attention. For further questions, I’ll refer you to my esteemed colleague, Dr. Bubba-Jack Jimmy-John Junior.

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