Uno – The pursuit of Idiots

Let me be clear up front, I don’t hate you if you play Uno, and I hope you have tons of fun with it. Just never bring it to my house. Think of it as something shameful and do it in private, and I don’t need to know about it.

Many years ago, while stationed in Okinawa, my ex decided we needed more friends and to socialize more, so she went out and found some people, I don’t know where, but if Okinawa has an Imbecile Registry that would explain a lot.

So these people show up at my home for dinner, and they were pleasant enough and about the time I thought they’d be leaving and I could read, or watch TV, or rip out a toenail or anything else I’d rather be doing, one of them says, “Do you have Uno?”, and I smiled and said no, we didn’t, and not being one to take a hint, he says, “That’s okay, we brought ours!”

Uno - The Card Game from Hell, by Mattel

Now I don’t remember much about that night, because I probably shoved an ice pick up through my eye socket to help ease the pain, but basically it is a card game that has no point and lasts a very, very long time. Towards the end I was doing what I could to throw the game and lose and make it end, dear God just make it end, and when I finally thought we’d finished one of the demons from Hell shouts, “Reverse!”, which I learned to my horror means we do the entire thing over again, only backwards. Analogously speaking, Entertainment is to Uno, as Swimming is to Waterboarding.

After hours that felt like days, it was finally, mercifully, over, and the couple from Moron Town left. I remember earning acting accolades that evening by smiling and waving as they left, arm around my ex’s shoulder, all Ward Cleaverish, and as soon as the door closed I turned and said, “Never, EVER, let those people in this house again! EVER!

It turns out my ex had a lovely time with that charming couple and just thought I was an idiot. Probably so.

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