With directions on the heel

My father had a colorful, or usually off-color, saying for just about every event known to man. One of his favorites, when he saw someone that couldn’t figure out something simple was, “He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot, with directions on the heel”. Now I suppose that begs the question, how did he get piss in his boot in the first place, but the point is, the directions are easy, almost self-activating, yet this poor knucklehead is still struggling.

I thought about that saying today, when I watched a girl trying to validate her prepaid weekly bus pass. The way that works is, the first time on the bus with a new pass you put it in a slot which sucks it in and then prints the expiration date on it, and also adds the info to the mag stripe, then spits it back out to you. There are exactly four different ways you can put the card in the slot, one of them being correct. So with your eyes closed or using a monkey helper to shove the card in, you should be right 25 percent of the time. And that’s without the word “Insert” and the arrow that gives you a pretty good clue as to the proper orientation to begin with printed on the front of the card.

Anyway, I sat and watched this girl, most likely a graduate of the California public school system, turn, twist, rotate, fold, spindle, and mutilate that poor card 18 different times without once stumbling onto the correct position to get her freakin’ card in the freakin’ slot.

Finally the driver, who wanted to finish his route before dark, took the card from the girl and inserted it properly.

Idiot proof?

Human society has not evolved the genius required to put reality to that dream, and I’m giving odds we never will. The last day on earth, just before we fall into the sun, or the asteroid hits,  or whatever fate awaits us, the last words spoken in a human language may very well be,

“How the hell do I get this piss out of my boots?”

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